Posted by: rschoolcraft | April 2, 2008

#4 the Good Old Days

Designated Driver Old white people love to talk about the Good Old Days. When you have a few days to spare you should look one up.WARNING: Choose carefully! The older they are, the more they talk.

Probably the best generation to get your feet wet is with the baby boomers. They don’t talk as long and they have a very colorful language.

You will sit totally enthralled as they talk about balling, hash, beatniks and flower children.

Remember to bring along your pocket Old White People’s Dictionary. It will really come in handy.

You’ll need to turn to LANGUAGE OF THE FIFTIES & SIXTIES to understand words and terms like bagging, beat feet, bitching, cool, decked out, lay it on me, neat, thongs (not your current thong), wiz and more. Of course, renting the movie WOODSTOCK will get you
acclimated.
For those of you that are adventurous and like a real challenge there are the traditionalists. Born between 1900 and 1945, or so it goes, they will tax all your senses. NOTE: To avoid hearing loss sit approximately 4 feet away. For spittle you may need to sit even further away and wear a mask.

Get as comfortable as you can. Bring some pillows and snacks. Know where the restroom is. Then sit back and enjoy tales of walking a thousand miles to school, the It Girl, Frankie, big bands and hand crank phones.

Finally, watch your time. Remember the easiest time to get away is bedtime. Usually this occurs between 6 and 9 P.M.. It usually starts with a slow nod followed by a drooping head and partial snore. Be aware that with some old white people that this is just their way of catching their breath.

You don’t want to be rude by just up and leaving so linger for a couple minutes. If you find drool around the corners of the mouth you can pretty much guess that they’re asleep BUT be careful… their evening nap may fool you into thinking that you have more time than you really do.

That said, enjoy! This batch of old white people won’t be around forever.

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Posted by: rschoolcraft | April 1, 2008

#3 Email

They are a hacker’s best friend. Probably more computers have gone down the tubes thanks to their voracious appetites than for any other reason. Oh, they won’t admit it though. In fact it rarely shows up on their top ten list of things they like most. Don’t believe it!Email Icons

The stuff old white people like, I mean really like, is e-mail. From Uncle Waldo to Aunt Lilly and Grandma Mabel to Grandpa Herman they’re out there…waiting, waiting to see what they can send next.

They forward stories about the lies of Hillary, Barack’s youth and John’s heroism. They pounce on virus threats and quickly send the the info – along with the virus – to all their friends and relatives.

Pictures, poems, music, warnings, articles and scams the list is endless. Read More…

Posted by: rschoolcraft | March 30, 2008

#2 The “Age Badge” Part II

Flo

Old white people are torn. They wish that they were younger on the one hand and ae proud that they have reached their advanced years, on the other. Flo is a nice lady who wears her age badge proudly. She does not hesitate to tell people that she is 80 and a half. She does not hesitate to tell people her likes and dislikes. She’ll spew words like “crap” and “honey” while flailing her arms and getting louder and louder. She doesn’t care who’s listening. She doesn’t care if you like her or not.

You see, the reason that the “Age Badge” gets two posts on stuff old white people like is because more importantly than anything it represents freedom. The most important freedom of all – Being yourself!

Flo can be loud, racious,brazen, steely, vociferous and more… She doesn’t care about what society has to say about her or others like her. She has lived to be 801/2, an age 6 or more out of 10 young white people will never see.

She has earned the right to be herself. Young white people like their age, but they are always cringing and worried about not saying the right thing, being politically correct and so on.

Not Flo, not old white people like Flo. They have the badge of freedom!

Again, take that you young whippersnappers…

Posted by: rschoolcraft | March 28, 2008

#1 The “Age” Badge

Logan’s Run PosterEver since I was 31 I have been calling myself old. It started as a joke based upon my recollection of the movie Logan’s Run. Everything was fine and dandy until this movie came out. Then all hell broke loose.

You see, the movie was about the survivors of some holecaust being forced to die. Each person on their thirtieth birthday would enter the carousel, an extermination ceremony, where they are promised of being reborn.

Suddenly anybody in real life over 30 was considered over the hill, scorned and ridiculed. Even at 31. Which is when it started for me. Slowly at first. I couldn’t do such an such because I was, you know, old. Then it picked up steam.  I began using it as an excuse.  I made it my tagline and mantra.  I used to always consider it a joke, until that awful, heartless day in the summer of my 40th year. Read More…

Posted by: rschoolcraft | March 27, 2008

How to know if you are an old white person

10. You don’t remember where you left your teeth.
  9.  You don’t know any of the questions or answers but you love Jeopardy.
  8. You don’t remember what that thing you do, was.
  7. Titanium makes up more than a third of your body.
  6. Your folks were wrong, you didn’t grow hair on your palms.
  5. You know you could text message if you could remember the      abbreviations.
  4. Your mind has gone from a steel trap to a steel sieve. Read More…

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